I have been veritably limping along these past few weeks. It's as though various parts of my personality had gone into hibernation while I gently sorted myself out and rested - it has been very good, but slightly unnerving. I have done my level best not to worry too much and the good news is that I think I'm coming out of it.
A two-week vacation did me a power of good and though I didn't feel at all like my shiny, flexible, sexible self, I made an effort to dress up and not just be the ghost in the corner, which is what I really felt like. I was amazed to be this affected by the whole not-getting-fucked thing, though I also blame a certain amount of stress buildup for it having floored me like this.
I ended up giving up on the subject of my previous two posts; there just wasn't enough basis there to justify getting to the bottom of things, in the end. I learned a lot about myself and my needs throughout the whole thing. I learned that lack of sex can seriously screw with my mind. I mean, I'm used to being celibate for months on end, but having someone pursue and conquer me like there was no tomorrow, and then turn into some kind of older brother figure, really messed with my sense of self (so rooted in the sexual, after all). I still feel a little bit sparkle-less at the moment but nothing like the way I was a few weeks ago, and I know now that if it ever happens again (which I kind of doubt, because the dude has issues that I will now be able to spot in another bedroom candidate) I will turn and walk as soon as I have ascertained that we are not on the same page.
Also, note to self (for the nine millionth time): NO MORE WORK DALLIANCES.. Yes, this one was less awkward than others, because we weren't directly working together, relying on each other, etc. But it was plenty awkward for me not to feel able to end it when I wanted to! I knew he was going to chase me again as soon as I put my foot down and said it wasn't working, and I didn't want to bend and be put through the same process...
I think I might be going on a date later this week... I've been putting off this chap because he seemed like the kind of man you meet who is terribly attractive and desirable but has a girlfriend. Talented, handsome, interesting, etc etc etc. He doesn't actually have a girlfriend, though, so why not give him a whirl?
A two-week vacation did me a power of good and though I didn't feel at all like my shiny, flexible, sexible self, I made an effort to dress up and not just be the ghost in the corner, which is what I really felt like. I was amazed to be this affected by the whole not-getting-fucked thing, though I also blame a certain amount of stress buildup for it having floored me like this.
I ended up giving up on the subject of my previous two posts; there just wasn't enough basis there to justify getting to the bottom of things, in the end. I learned a lot about myself and my needs throughout the whole thing. I learned that lack of sex can seriously screw with my mind. I mean, I'm used to being celibate for months on end, but having someone pursue and conquer me like there was no tomorrow, and then turn into some kind of older brother figure, really messed with my sense of self (so rooted in the sexual, after all). I still feel a little bit sparkle-less at the moment but nothing like the way I was a few weeks ago, and I know now that if it ever happens again (which I kind of doubt, because the dude has issues that I will now be able to spot in another bedroom candidate) I will turn and walk as soon as I have ascertained that we are not on the same page.
Also, note to self (for the nine millionth time): NO MORE WORK DALLIANCES.. Yes, this one was less awkward than others, because we weren't directly working together, relying on each other, etc. But it was plenty awkward for me not to feel able to end it when I wanted to! I knew he was going to chase me again as soon as I put my foot down and said it wasn't working, and I didn't want to bend and be put through the same process...
I think I might be going on a date later this week... I've been putting off this chap because he seemed like the kind of man you meet who is terribly attractive and desirable but has a girlfriend. Talented, handsome, interesting, etc etc etc. He doesn't actually have a girlfriend, though, so why not give him a whirl?
posted by daphnis at 4:38 PM
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