Eating? More like starving.
It must be me. I must be able to change this. I'm a high-roller, an achiever, I'm teacher's pet (in more ways than one). I WILL get 100% on the exam!
Here's my problem: I seem to have landed myself in a relationship, and even though everything started out just peachy fine, he doesn't seem to want to sleep with me any more. It hasn't even been long, but when I try to drag him into bed - or keep him there - or turn a kiss into something more, he would always rather do something else. Like talk about work. Or make coffee. Or talk about our friends. Or sleep.
It's making me strangely sad. I know that if I were in a relationship with me, I'd want to fuck me all the time. I DO fuck myself all the time, because I'm so damn frustrated to be around someone I'm so attracted to, whom my body has delirious memories of, whom i don't get to touch and taste. The other day I spent the night with him and woke up in the middle of the night with actual pain in my cervix from being so aroused by his presence. I get so wet just being near him, like I haven't done since my first boyfriend when I was a teenager.
He's affectionate and sweet and thoughtful. If I have the slightest change in mood, he detects it; he reads me well and won't accept my immature inability to talk. And yet I feel like he can't be that into me, because he isn't into being in me.
Our sex, when it does happen, is very intense, and he is always the first to put into words what I'm feeling (kissing at a bridge, my knees grow weak and I am dizzy; before I can even formulate the words in my mind, he has said them). He's not afraid to make me laugh in bed. He kisses me on the head or ruffles my hair or tweaks my hand as he goes by me.
And he won't fuck me.
I know I have to talk to him about it. But I'm not good at talking and for all my interest in and love of sex and all its effects on the human mind, I have no idea how to approach someone who behaves like this. I can't identify with how he operates. When I'm stressed or distressed, I use whatever is available to dull the pain, to add sparkle to my day, to distract me from whatever it is that I don't like and can't change, or am working on, or whatever. I can't imagine having a lover near me, whom I like, and not wanting to bury myself in their aura if only even as an escape.
I know, I know. He's just not that into me, right? But he behaves like he is in all the other ways. And somehow, even though I'm sure I would advise any friend whining to me about a similar situation to jump ship, I feel compelled to dig further, to wait it out. I've always had a higher sex drive than my partners, but this really takes the biscuit.
Here's my problem: I seem to have landed myself in a relationship, and even though everything started out just peachy fine, he doesn't seem to want to sleep with me any more. It hasn't even been long, but when I try to drag him into bed - or keep him there - or turn a kiss into something more, he would always rather do something else. Like talk about work. Or make coffee. Or talk about our friends. Or sleep.
It's making me strangely sad. I know that if I were in a relationship with me, I'd want to fuck me all the time. I DO fuck myself all the time, because I'm so damn frustrated to be around someone I'm so attracted to, whom my body has delirious memories of, whom i don't get to touch and taste. The other day I spent the night with him and woke up in the middle of the night with actual pain in my cervix from being so aroused by his presence. I get so wet just being near him, like I haven't done since my first boyfriend when I was a teenager.
He's affectionate and sweet and thoughtful. If I have the slightest change in mood, he detects it; he reads me well and won't accept my immature inability to talk. And yet I feel like he can't be that into me, because he isn't into being in me.
Our sex, when it does happen, is very intense, and he is always the first to put into words what I'm feeling (kissing at a bridge, my knees grow weak and I am dizzy; before I can even formulate the words in my mind, he has said them). He's not afraid to make me laugh in bed. He kisses me on the head or ruffles my hair or tweaks my hand as he goes by me.
And he won't fuck me.
I know I have to talk to him about it. But I'm not good at talking and for all my interest in and love of sex and all its effects on the human mind, I have no idea how to approach someone who behaves like this. I can't identify with how he operates. When I'm stressed or distressed, I use whatever is available to dull the pain, to add sparkle to my day, to distract me from whatever it is that I don't like and can't change, or am working on, or whatever. I can't imagine having a lover near me, whom I like, and not wanting to bury myself in their aura if only even as an escape.
I know, I know. He's just not that into me, right? But he behaves like he is in all the other ways. And somehow, even though I'm sure I would advise any friend whining to me about a similar situation to jump ship, I feel compelled to dig further, to wait it out. I've always had a higher sex drive than my partners, but this really takes the biscuit.
posted by daphnis at 6:14 PM
3 Comments:
You can't jump ship if there are other things keeping you on it. Sex and emotion are such a bugger when they don't keep pace with each other. It seems as if you've realised that he IS in to you, but just has a low sex drive, and you can only resolve that if he's willing to acknowledge it as a problem in the relationship.
And now that I've blessed you with my wisdom, which I'm quite sure you already know, but I've never seen that as a good reason not to give it - thanks for linking to me, and Smart Girls... and I miss Postmodern Courtesan too.
I tried to post a comment the other day but it got eaten somehow. Welcome back anyhow!
I wonder can it be that your partner feels a little intimidated? Is it possible that he can't believe quite his luck in finding someone like you and is suffering from a little 'performance angst'? You might think that silly but maybe he is afraid of disappointing you, even though that's exactly what he ends up doing. Try and talk with him. Try some very subtle seduction!
thank you both for the kind advice - a breath of fresh air indeed. all i've been hearing from my colleagues is "he doesn't know what a treasure he's snapped up, ditch him, you can do better". i'm determined to see this out, for some reason... perhaps it's those incredible breakfasts he rustles up...
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